Now What?

So it seems like I'm easing into this summer. Reading, weeding, yoga, coffee shop time, and general bumbling. When will I take on the big stuff? Not sure what it is I should start with. Cleaning windows? Vacuuming? Throwing away junk? Organizing papers and historical documents from the family? Organizing photos? Cleaning the garage? Power washing the deck? All YES! And today...I go off with P to Belleville to look at junk that other people want me to buy. Great, Mare.

June 14, 2015

I was reading about Jenny Diski who started writing essays about her terminal lung cancer diagnosis for the London Review of Books. The author of the article is trying to impress upon the reader the unique point of view that Diski has in her writing about this subject. The author writes, "A marvel of steady and dispassionate self revelation, Diskis' cancer essays are bracingly devoid of sententiousness, sentimentality, or any kind of spiritual urge or twitch." I tried to write about being diagnosed with breast cancer. Mostly, I felt so much gratitude for the people who cared for and cared about me during that time, and my writing became a litany of thanks. I read of women being courageous, cheerful, disparagingly humorous, grateful, and prayerful. I could identify with some of these to an extent. What really nagged at me was that I didn't feel so much cheer and positivity towards living my life more fully given that I had received a gentle knock on the door and then found no one there, this time. I expected that I would love my job more, feel less stress about the house, and fall in love more deeply with my partner. Isn't that what happens when you see your life passing before you and feel the limitedness of your future? I sank into a depression. I could barely face going to work, I saw every flaw in my house and felt paralyzed by them, and I was irritated every day with my partner. Where were the effects of having my life saved and given another chance to live in good health? I realized that I am living the time in between. There was the 'then' of being diagnosed and going through surgery and recovery and there is the 'when' of my inevitable death. What am I doing and thinking now as I live day to day in this time? This is what I will write about and consider - however, mundane and simplistic it will be.